Almost 3 years later I am sitting here reading some of my old blog posts and thinking WOW that seems like forever ago. Add in the fact that I also found my senior book from high school earlier today and I realized that my senior year was over a decade ago. I guess that today was destined to be a trip down memory lane. Reading back over what I was thinking about and experiencing 3 – 12 years ago is so interesting because I can feel the emotions that I was experiencing at the time, and it’s so relevant because I just celebrated my 30th birthday. I see the goals that I had for this blog when I was 26 and 28 and how I have still not gotten any closer to them……..among other goals. In essence, it kind of highlights how I have grown in some ways but not in others….but it doesn’t make me sad. In fact, I feel grateful that I still have the opportunity to work towards these goals and that I have more clarity on some of the topics I explored before. Now that I am 30 (that still cracks me up for some reason) I have resolved to not place the expectation of what “should be” on myself. I should blog if I feel like it, and just because people may not agree with what I say or think doesn’t mean that I should feel offended that they do not agree with me. I am a Virgo, a perfectionist and very critical; and trying to live up to what “should be” in order to get a desired outcome took a toll on me. Should is a very powerful word that allows us to differentiate between what is appropriate for which forums, but it can also trap us in the cycle of disappointment once we realize that things may not be what they “should”. I used to think that I should have this, or my man should be like that, or a title or position is supposed to afford me certain something. By eliminating what my life should be, I have given myself the opportunity to enjoy what my life is. Plus, I get to tailor it to whatever makes me happy….nothing less. Releasing myself from expectations made the transition into my 30s seamless. A lot of my friends had reservations about turning 30 but I am excited. Every time I realize that I am 30 I feel butterflies because I know that things are only getting better with time. There are some things that are scary, like health declining and life insurance and all that….but those things come. I’m focusing on doing and getting everything that makes me happy.
As we age, things change. It’s an indisputable part of life. The only constant in life is change. (Life Proverb) At times the changes come so fast it’s overwhelming. And sometimes when the unexpected happens, we get so caught up that we don’t realize all the other changes that are taking place around us. The logical opposite of good is not good. But just because something isn’t necessarily good, doesn’t mean that it’s bad. For example, throughout my life I’ve always been shy. Anyone who had ever met me will tell you that that can’t be true, but contrary to popular belief I am quite shy. I get social anxiety so badly that I stutter quite often. Some may consider that to not be a good thing, but it isn’t bad. Despite the fact that I can be extremely shy, I’ve never had any trouble making friends. And I’ve had plenty of friends over my life. Friends at school, on the cheerleading squad, the neighbors in my dorm, the girls from work, classmates, roommates I’ve lived with. Yes, I have been blessed with so many friends in my life. Friends that propped me up when I was down, helped me when I needed help, listened to hours of complaining and crying, defended me, nursed me, hugged me. When I look back it makes me a little bleary eyed. I will never forget all that has been given to me and done for me by people who chose to make me a part of their lives and family. As I have aged I have grown apart from a lot of the people who have supported me on my life’s journey. This has caused me to feel sad, confused, and guilty that I haven’t been doing my part to keep my friendships strong. We need friends, as humans we need social interaction. But how do I put my pride aside to pursue relationships with people who may be offended by my lack of communication? Should I just leave well enough alone? I’m not necessarily on bad terms with my old friends, but I do find myself missing the companionship that I had when I was surrounded with friends. In truth, however, how do I build and maintain meaningful relationships with people when I’m busy and their busy and they live in different time zones. How to I build symbiotic relationships…. Where we can all hold each other up and celebrate our lives with each other? I know that you outgrow people, or grow apart. I also know that everything is not worth salvaging. Those are not good things persay, but they are not necessarily bad either. They are the changes that life brings. What I don’t know is how to change the things I can, and how to move on from the things I can’t. And finally, I don’t know that I have attained the wisdom to know the difference.
When I came home from work last night all I wanted to do was hug and kiss on my man. I could smell his cologne all the way home. I could feel his strong arms enveloping me and squeezing every fear, worry and stress out of my body. I could almost taste the scrumptious dinner he painstakingly concocted from all the foods that he knows I like. I smiled thinking of him trying to choose which wine to serve because he knows how particular I am. These were my thoughts all the way home. I had had a terrible day….and I wanted so badly to just cry into his chest about how much I hate my commute, my job, and the douchebag that almost ran into me trying to cross 4 lanes to make his exit. There was only one problem though….He doesn’t exist. There is no special guy, there was no dinner, no wine, and no hug. At all. Anywhere. I’ve never been a person to pine for a long term relationship. I like meeting people and going places and I have a very long to do list. Last night however, I felt so lonely. It was a soul crushing loneliness. The kind of loneliness that makes you realize why people stay in bad relationships. That helps you understand why someone would pay for companionship. The kind of bare knuckled loneliness that keeps your bed cold even after you set it on fire. The good news is that I survived. I slept it off, and I was fine. While I’m sure it’s not my last lonely night, at least I am able to ascend from that dark point with my sanity. Without calling someone I swore I’d never talk to again, or sleeping with someone I don’t care about just to push the feeling away for one night… Only to be plied with regret later. The moral of the story? It gets better, and you too can rise from the depths of whatever is plaguing your heart.
I have recently delved into on-line dating. I know this is something that has been going on for years, and I said that I couldn’t see myself doing it. However, after hearing such good things about it, I realized it was just my fear of the unknown talking. So I squelched my fears and created a profile. Anyway, I struck gold on my first in person encounter. For privacy purposes I will refer to the guy I met as Mr. Shy. After chatting on line for a few days we agreed to meet up at a little sushi spot. Now between you and me, one of my biggest fears about on-line dating is the over promise, under deliver in the looks department. While I am not unattractive by any stretch of the imagination, I understand that everyone has their own tastes and preferences. I also know that filters make it nearly impossible to know how someone really looks. That being said by the time I parked my car and got out I was literally shaking in my boots. What if he stands me up? What if he is overweight with a receding hairline, instead of tall dark and handsome like his profile said? What if he is a total douche that whips his dick out on the table? OK, that last one was a stretch lol but still, you really never know. Luckily for me Mr. Shy was a 20 something grad student from the Midwest here on break from school. He was also tall, dark and attractive. We talked for a little while about grad school, life in Atlanta and restaurants, before relocating to a nice outside bar where we had a few drinks and talked some more. Overall it was almost a perfect date. Except for the fact that he seemed so shy! I found myself asking most of the questions and carrying the conversation, like I was interviewing him. Afterward I chalked it up to first date jitters. Later that week we went to see a movie, can’t talk much during that anyway, but afterward he literally said 10 words, church-hugged me and dipped. I was so confused. He was definitely a gentleman, opening doors, making sure I was comfortable, and making sure I got home safely….but I still couldn’t shake that awkward vibe. The next day I straight up asked him if he was shy, if he had a girlfriend, or if he was just not that into me. He assured me that none of these were the case, that he was simply reacting to what I put out. Fair enough…I was just going to have to project some outgoing vibes his way.. So on Friday night (3 dates, 1 week) we met at a bar and I was determined to loosen him up. We had a few drinks and I had him dancing all night. Now I admit, somewhere between the drinks and the close contact there was a tad bit of making out going on, (got a little too loose)
which is what probably gave him the impression that I was going to go home with him. Mr. Shy had all of a sudden became the aggressor….definitely didn’t see that coming. Nevertheless, and this is no shade to him, but that just wasn’t what I wanted to do. So when he asked I Politely declined. The end. Yes, the end. It is three days later and I have not heard from him. I’m trying to ascertain exactly why that is without asking him directly. I’m torn between me being unladylike by getting a little tipsy in public or me not giving up the booty. What do you think? Either way, I still count this as a win in the on-line dating sector and it has encouraged me to be a little more open minded when it comes to non traditional dating. Sure Mr.Shy turned out to be not so shy, but there are plenty of fish in the sea right? I cant be the only one out here on-line dating so please tell me about some of your encounters and tell me what you think about mine.
So I was nosing around on Facebook, as I tend to do from time to time, and I came across this article….The article is about women…and our periods. I’m not going to post the entire article, but feel free to click the link and read it for yourself. The premise of the story is that a woman posted a picture of some…breakthrough bleeding, and the social networking site took it down. Naturally, she was pissed. She felt it was insulting that they considered something that happens to women every 28 days “obscene”. And even as I looked at the accompanying photos, I have to admit that I felt slightly uncomfortable. I have always struggled with my period. In high school it was very heavy and as I got older my cramps got progressively worse. I have been on breakthrough alert since I was 13. I think every woman is on breakthrough alert when her period is on. Especially at night. Nothing is worse than staying the night with your boyfriend when your period is on. I mean I wont even visit a guy at home when my period is on. I used to try to hide my sanitary napkins while shopping in stores, and I wouldn’t dare go to a register if there was a male checking me out. A few years ago I decided that I was going to stop hiding the fact that I had a period. I was delivert from the shame of being a woman. Hell, if I didn’t have a period, how would I even have breasts? That was nothing to be ashamed of. I decided that I was PROUD to be a woman. F**k it. So why was I so uncomfortable with the image in the post? Why did I feel like I was looking at something I shouldn’t have been? Is it because the period is private? Is it because if it was me in the picture I would have been mortified that it was on social media? Or is it because our misogynistic society has made us so ashamed of our bodies that I actually feel uncomfortable about something that I have been dealing with regularly for the past 15 years of my life? Hmmm… with all of the feminist movements going on in our world today its easy to believe that my discomfort was soley the result of period shaming from men who have never had the pleasure of having blood flow from their bodies for reasons other than an open wound. The author of the article expressed this viewpoint aggressively. For me however, Its is a mix of all three. If someone posted a picture of me in that situation I would be hard pressed not to strangle them. Secondly my period is private, I definitely don’t go around announcing when its on. And thirdly I would be mortified. I feel uncomfortable talking about my period because I was taught from an early age that it is something that I have to hide and camoflage. That part of being a woman means that I have to bear this unsavory ritual every month in silence with enough self respect to make sure that no one knows that it happens to me. Why? Because we live in a misogynistic society that has so many discrepancies in gender specific body image that having a period is considered a flaw and break through bleeding is considered a travesty. But men love the breast that come with the period. So we all just don’t talk about it. Another one of those things that make you go hmmm. What do you think? How comfortable are you with the P?
The post 👆👆👆
I’m always on a rag about how much I hate that people don’t talk anymore. I am a traditional conversationalist. I love the sound of my own voice. My mind is always a mile a minute. I always have a million questions and I want to know what people think and feel on a deeper level. So every time I heard about a new social networking tool I was all over it, thinking this is a great way to get to know people. Now almost 10 years later (and its hard to believe I’ve invested 10 years doing ANYTHING) I’m done. Its so oversaturated, and to me its overshadowed everything intimate and personal. And what it hasn’t overshadowed, its overexposed. I do enjoy looking at pictures and chatting or what not, but I’d rather hear a voice or see a person in actual person. I love the fact that these sites can bring people who are far away closer together, but if you live 15 minutes away and the only time I ever see you or talk to you is through comments on Instagram, that’s not real. It also burns me when I’m with someone in person and they are on their phone the whole time. Texting I can stand, but you’re really going to waste my time looking at pictures of people you probably don’t even know, or people you see everyday? Yeah, no, I don’t want to do that to anyone. Furthermore, it seems like everyone on Instagram is always fighting for more followers, for better pictures, talking about how great they look, or how awesome their food is, or how awesome they are. If not that they are on Twitter talking randomly, or about someone, or something that really has nothing to do with them. It doesn’t seem real. That combined with the quotes and posts. Its almost like it forces you to try to keep up, to feel like you’re not doing enough. That everyone’s highlight reel is how life should be and if you’re not doing certain things, or if people are not following you or liking you then you are somehow failing at life. Also when you open yourself up to social media, you are opening yourself up to be judged by people you don’t even know. You are giving people so much information about yourself. Where you live, where you work, the places you frequent. Even your personal life. Quotes about breakups, after sex selfies, that time you got so drunk and posted you ex’s nude pics……right. I need a break. I want to see the world, and the people in it, with my own eyes and touch with my own hands. Social networking sites are not a place where you get to see a lot of real people. Especially not at my age. I want to do new things, and have new experiences in real life and time, I want to share meet and share things in life, not through the internet, but interpersonally. Over time I have slowly come to these conclusions. I’ve found that I can have a social media presence without being consumed with it. And I like it better now that I’m not. I got rid of my twitter, I never check Facebook and I deleted Instagram from my phone today. I don’t really feel any different, but I know that over the next 8 months I know that I will see and experience more with those distractions out of the way. The tone of this entry, as I read back over it, gives the vibe that I have had a bad experience with social networking. The truth is that I’ve had a great experience. I’ve shared my life, I’ve shared in the lives of others. I’ve reconnected with old friends, Connected with new ones….but I’ve just reached a point where its become more of a distraction than an enjoyment for me.
Every year I get so hyped up about New Years. I think that a new year is a great example of a clean slate. Sure December 31st to January 1st is just another night to day, but seeing that new blank calendar just gets me excited. I always make all these resolutions, and get geared up to make big changes. But this year I have a new perspective. My co worker asked me on NYE if I’d had a good year, and when I thought about it I had to say yes. Thinking more about it I realized that I’d had my head down working so hard that I didn’t realize just how good of a year I had. I got a new job, a new car, a promotion, moved to a new city. I realized that throughout the year I had been so wrapped up on the people I had lost, the money I wasn’t making, and the goals I hadn’t accomplished that I wasn’t appreciating all that I had accomplished. In the moments marking my accomplishments I didn’t even stop to enjoy them. I haven’t been enjoying my life. I haven’t been relishing the small moments that made such a difference. The craziest thing about it though is that I didn’t plan for anything to work out the way it did. Sure I knew I needed a new car, and I wanted a new job. I made an action plan and those things happened, I worked very hard a work and earned my promotion. I moved to be closer to work. But on December 31st 2012 I didn’t make these things my resolutions. They happened slowly, over time, and brought me to where I am today. So for this New Year my resolution is to take every opportunity that is offered to me. To enjoy life and to do things at a pace that is comfortable. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Life can’t be lived in a year. A new year is a chance for a new beginning but life will always play out the way it should. Just a nudge in the right direction is all we need to make our next year our best year.
I watched the movie 50/50 the other night starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The movie is a true story written by a man who had a rare form of spinal cancer. I didn’t see it from the beginning (I don’t have start over 😔) but I came in around the middle, so I saw enough to make me cry. I cried because the movie was sad, but I was also crying because cancer is so unpredictable. It can happen to any one at anytime. The guy in the movie was only 27!! 2 years older than me! I won’t say how the movie ended so that I don’t spoil it for those who haven’t seen it but I will say that I cried so hard that my eyes were swollen. I was devastated because I realized that I haven’t done ANY of the things that I wanted to do. Sure I’ve been to Vegas and completed my undergraduate degree. But I haven’t even been to New York. I haven’t been out of the country, I never performed spoken word and had people snap their approval. I’ve always wanted to start a blog, own my own business. I want to record a mixtape about my failed relationships rapping/singing Kanye style. I want to audition for a TV show. Just to do it. The list is too long to even list here. If I found out I had 24 hours to live I would be devastated. Not because of the things that I have done, but because of the things I haven’t done. According to my Dr. I’m healthy for now, but I figure I better get started on this laundry list of things I want to do while I have the chance. Starting this blog is definitely a step in the right direction.