Serenity

As we age, things change. It’s an indisputable part of life. The only constant in life is change. (Life Proverb) At times the changes come so fast it’s overwhelming. And sometimes when the unexpected happens, we get so caught up that we don’t realize all the other changes that are taking place around us. The logical opposite of good is not good. But just because something isn’t necessarily good, doesn’t mean that it’s bad. For example, throughout my life I’ve always been shy. Anyone who had ever met me will tell you that that can’t be true, but contrary to popular belief I am quite shy. I get social anxiety so badly that I stutter quite often. Some may consider that to not be a good thing, but it isn’t bad. Despite the fact that I can be extremely shy, I’ve never had any trouble making friends. And I’ve had plenty of friends over my life. Friends at school,  on the cheerleading squad, the neighbors in my dorm, the girls from work, classmates, roommates I’ve lived with.  Yes, I have been blessed with so many friends in my life. Friends that propped me up when I was down, helped me when I needed help, listened to hours of complaining and crying,  defended me, nursed me, hugged me. When I look back it makes me a little bleary eyed. I will never forget all that has been given to me and done for me by people who chose to make me a part of their lives and family.  As I have aged I have grown apart from a lot of the people who have supported me on my life’s journey.  This has caused me to feel sad, confused, and guilty that I haven’t been doing my part to keep my friendships strong. We need friends, as humans we need social interaction. But how do I put my pride aside to pursue relationships with people who may be offended by my lack of communication? Should I just leave well enough alone? I’m not necessarily on bad terms with my old friends, but I do find myself missing the companionship that I had when I was surrounded with friends. In truth,  however,  how do I build and maintain meaningful relationships with people when I’m busy and their busy and they live in different time zones. How to I build symbiotic relationships…. Where we can all hold each other up and celebrate our lives with each other? I know that you outgrow people, or grow apart. I also know that everything is not worth salvaging. Those are not good things persay, but they are not necessarily bad either. They are the changes that life brings. What I don’t know is how to change the things I can, and how to move on from the things I can’t. And finally, I don’t know that I have attained the wisdom to know the difference.

Ascension

When I came home from work last night all I wanted to do was hug and kiss on my man. I could smell his cologne all the way home. I could feel his strong arms enveloping me and squeezing every fear, worry and stress out of my body. I could almost taste the scrumptious dinner he painstakingly concocted from all the foods that he knows I like. I smiled thinking of him trying to choose which wine to serve because he knows how particular I am. These were my thoughts all the way home. I had had a terrible day….and I wanted so badly to just cry into his chest about how much I hate my commute,  my job, and the douchebag that almost ran into me trying to cross 4 lanes to make his exit. There was only one problem though….He doesn’t exist. There is no special guy,  there was no dinner,  no wine,  and no hug. At all. Anywhere. I’ve never been a person to pine for a long term relationship. I like meeting people and going places and I have a very long to do list. Last night however,  I felt so lonely. It was a soul crushing loneliness. The kind of loneliness that makes you realize why people stay in bad relationships. That helps you understand why someone would pay for companionship. The kind of bare knuckled loneliness that keeps your bed cold even after you set it on fire. The good news is that I survived. I slept it off, and I was fine. While I’m sure it’s not my last lonely night, at least I am able to ascend from that dark point with my sanity. Without calling someone I swore I’d never talk to again,  or  sleeping with someone I don’t care about just to push the feeling away for one night… Only to be plied with regret later. The moral of the story? It gets better, and you too can rise from the depths of whatever is plaguing your heart.

Goodnight.