Perspective

When I was a young girl, I wanted to be one of two things when I grew up, Beyonce or a Lawyer. Those were the options. I loved to sing, I loved to dance and perform, I also loved to read and write. As I got older I went to college, continued to sing in choirs and continued to read and write. By the time I graduated from college, I knew two things, I wasn’t that good of a singer and I didn’t have the money or patience to go to law school. So I took a management trainee position with a company, because business is the cornerstone of America and I will make plenty of money. I worked there for two years and I finally realized that I hated taking the last dime from someone who was already struggling, so I resigned. I obtained my insurance license, and went to work for an agency. I figured, this was a product that everyone needs, and I can be the one to educate them and assist them. Working in insurance is a very tedious job. Lots of numbers and figures and laws and regulations, but I like it….not the selling it part, but learning new aspects of it, educating my customers and providing them with the protection they need. Ensuring their future by protecting them from financial loss. I want to move forward and eventually work in legal insurance defense. But I am cash poor, as I have been for a while, and people keep telling me to abandon this way of thinking because I need to make more money. I am almost 30 and its really time for me to get my shit together. I need to make money now,  buy a house, get married and have some children. They say that I should pick something that will pay me well now, and stick to it. That everyone hates their job and I should just suck it up and go with one that will pay me well. Maybe in sales because I’m good at that. I love to talk and people like talking to me and buying things from me. Maybe I should try to get on TV and become a reality star, because I have a great personality! I wish that I wanted to do some of those things, but after years of jobs that did not make me feel fulfilled I don’t think I could live with doing something that I hate for the rest of my life. My perspective on life has changed since my graduation day. I want a career that challenges and educates me, while I do the same for others. I want to give and receive knowledge, and help people. I don’t care if I am ever rich, or famous. I don’t need awards, millions of dollars, or a legion of followers. I don’t have to be top sales person, the best stylist, recognized or rewarded. The opportunity wake up every day and do something that you love is a blessing and its not something that I want to sacrifice. I realize that people find their joy in different ways, but to find your calling? Something that comes natural to you, yet gives you the opportunity to learn and grow everyday, while enhancing the lives of others? Not everyone has that. That being said my new years resolution is to focus on my goals, and refine my efforts to reach them. My question to you all is this: Have you ever had a goal that seemed out of reach? Have you ever felt intimidated or discouraged by a situation? How did you overcome your fears to achieve or solve said situation? Please comment below.

Serenity

As we age, things change. It’s an indisputable part of life. The only constant in life is change. (Life Proverb) At times the changes come so fast it’s overwhelming. And sometimes when the unexpected happens, we get so caught up that we don’t realize all the other changes that are taking place around us. The logical opposite of good is not good. But just because something isn’t necessarily good, doesn’t mean that it’s bad. For example, throughout my life I’ve always been shy. Anyone who had ever met me will tell you that that can’t be true, but contrary to popular belief I am quite shy. I get social anxiety so badly that I stutter quite often. Some may consider that to not be a good thing, but it isn’t bad. Despite the fact that I can be extremely shy, I’ve never had any trouble making friends. And I’ve had plenty of friends over my life. Friends at school,  on the cheerleading squad, the neighbors in my dorm, the girls from work, classmates, roommates I’ve lived with.  Yes I have been blessed with so many friends in my life. Friends that propped me up when I was down, helped me when I needed help, listened to hours of complaining and crying,  defended me, nursed me, hugged me. When I look back it makes me a little bleary eyed. I will never forget all that has been given to me and done for me by people who chose to make me a part of their lives and family.  As I have aged I have grown apart from a lot of the people who have supported me on my life’s journey.  This has caused me to feel sad, confused, and guilty that I haven’t been doing my part to keep my friendships strong. We need friends, as humans we need social interaction. But how do I put my pride aside to pursue relationships with people who may be offended by my lack of communication? Should I just leave well enough alone? I’m not necessarily on bad terms with my old friends, but I do find myself missing the companionship that I had when I was surrounded with friends. In truth,  however,  how do I build and maintain meaningful relationships with people when I’m busy and their busy and they live in different time zones. How to I build symbiotic relationships…. Where we can all hold each other up and celebrate our lives with each other? I know that you outgrow people, or grow apart. I also know that everything is not worth salvaging. Those are not good things persay, but they are not necessarily bad either. They are the changes that life brings. What I don’t know is how to change the things I can, and how to move on from the things I can’t. And finally, I don’t know that I have attained the wisdom to know the difference.

Ascension

When I came home from work last night all I wanted to do was hug and kiss on my man. I could smell his cologne all the way home. I could feel his strong arms enveloping me and squeezing every fear, worry and stress out of my body. I could almost taste the scrumptious dinner he painstakingly concocted from all the foods that he knows I like. I smiled thinking of him trying to choose which wine to serve because he knows how particular I am. These were my thoughts all the way home. I had had a terrible day….and I wanted so badly to just cry into his chest about how much I hate my commute,  my job, and the douchebag that almost ran into me trying to cross 4 lanes to make his exit. There was only one problem though….He doesn’t exist. There is no special guy,  there was no dinner,  no wine,  and no hug. At all. Anywhere. I’ve never been a person to pine for a long term relationship. I like meeting people and going places and I have a very long to do list. Last night however,  I felt so lonely. It was a soul crushing loneliness. The kind of loneliness that makes you realize why people stay in bad relationships. That helps you understand why someone would pay for companionship. The kind of bare knuckled loneliness that keeps your bed cold even after you set it on fire. The good news is that I survived. I slept it off, and I was fine. While I’m sure it’s not my last lonely night, at least I am able to ascend from that dark point with my sanity. Without calling someone I swore I’d never talk to again,  or  sleeping with someone I don’t care about just to push the feeling away for one night… Only to be plied with regret later. The moral of the story? It gets better, and you too can rise from the depths of whatever is plaguing your heart.

Goodnight.

My Pathology

One of my friends told me that she was pregnant this week. Another one bites the dust! Just kidding. She is over the moon at the thought of being a mom and I am happy for her. She is truly one of the sweetest people I have met in my life and she has a wonderful and supportive family that I know will give her baby all the love he or she needs. Her announcement, however, forced me to reflect on my own single, childless status. From a young age I said that I never wanted to have children, that young age being about 7. Reflecting on my pathology and childhood I know that a great deal of the negative feelings I have towards procreating comes from my own family dynamic. Both of my parents were addicted to drugs before I was old enough to even know what drugs were. Add in my mothers death when I was 13 and the fact that I don’t even have a mental visual of my father and it makes sense that I would have an aversion to starting a family. Although I was adopted by my aunt when I was 13 and I have a large extended family of aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers and sisters, it is hard for me to understand the dynamic of a nuclear family. I always watch Iyanla Vanzant fix peoples lives and I have observed how the pathology of families travel through generations. I also see in my own community how pathology links families together. I see how parents interact with their children, and in turn how those children interact with their own children. I see how generations of women and men stay impoverished and uneducated because they are following the example set forth in their own families. I observe all these things and I look at myself at 27, with no mother and no father and wonder how will I know what to teach my child? What do I have to give my child? Not even just financially, but mentally spiritually, and emotionally? If something were to happen to me who could I trust to mother my child? Granted my aunt taught me a lot of great things. She has blessed me with a great work ethic and the skills I need to survive in the world independently. She taught me to speak up for myself, to be realistic and pragmatic, but also to be entrepreneurial and a free thinker. But in all actuality I lost my childhood and my innocence young, and I was an angry and rebellious youth. I was crass, rude, arrogant and I could be downright nasty. The truth of the matter is we are never in control of life, or our children, and we never know what can happen. I’m sure that when my mother was my age she never imagined that her life would turn out like it did, and I know that it made her very sad to know that she was going to die before her children even graduated from high school. That shit is deep. My Pathology absolutely suppresses my desire to have children. Sometimes I hold my baby nephew and I want a child to raise and love. When I see how happy and innocent he is it gives me hope that I can be a mom and a good one at that. Maybe after I complete grad school and I am settled into my career I will feel different. As of right now however I am perfectly content with spending time with my nieces and nephews, as well as the children of my friends. I would love to hear how others feel about their experience as would be parents, or as a parent. Please feel free to comment below.

Sex and The Online City

I have recently delved into on-line dating. I know this is something that has been going on for years, and I said that I couldn’t see myself doing it. However, after hearing such good things about it, I realized it was just my fear of the unknown talking. So I squelched my fears and created a profile. Anyway, I struck gold on my first in person encounter. For privacy purposes I will refer to the guy I met as Mr. Shy. After chatting on line for a few days we agreed to meet up at a little sushi spot. Now between you and me, one of my biggest fears about on-line dating is the over promise, under deliver in the looks department. While I am not unattractive by any stretch of the imagination, I understand that everyone has their own tastes and preferences. I also know that filters make it nearly impossible to know how someone really looks. That being said by the time I parked my car and got out I was literally shaking in my boots. What if he stands me up? What if he is overweight with a receding hairline, instead of tall dark and handsome like his profile said? What if he is a total douche that whips his dick out on the table? OK, that last one was a stretch lol but still, you really never know. Luckily for me Mr. Shy was a 20 something grad student from the Midwest here on break from school. He was also tall dark and attractive. We talked for a little while about grad school, life in Atlanta and restaurants, before relocating to a nice outside bar where we had a few drinks and talked some more. Overall it was almost a perfect date. Except for the fact that he seemed so shy! I found myself asking most of the questions and carrying the conversation, like I was interviewing him. Afterward I chalked it up to first date jitters. Later that week we went to see a movie, can’t talk much during that anyway, but afterward he literally said 10 words, church-hugged me and dipped. I was so confused. He was definitely a gentleman, opening doors, making sure I was comfortable, and making sure I got home safely….but I still couldn’t shake that awkward vibe. The next day I straight up asked him if he was shy, if he had a girlfriend, or if he was just not that into me. He assured me that none of these were the case, that he was simply reacting to what I put out. Fair enough…I was just going to have to project some outgoing vibes his way.. So on Friday night (3 dates, 1 week) we met at a bar and I was determined to loosen him up. We had a few drinks and I had him dancing all night. Now I admit, somewhere between the drinks and the close contact there was a tad bit of making out going on, (got a little too loose)
which is what probably gave him the impression that I was going to go home with him. Mr. Shy had all of a sudden became the aggressor….definitely didn’t see that coming. Nevertheless, and this is no shade to him, but that just wasn’t what I wanted to do. So when he asked I Politely declined. The end. Yes, the end. It is three days later and I have not heard from him. I’m trying to ascertain exactly why that is without asking him directly. I’m torn between me being unladylike by getting a little tipsy in public or me not giving up the booty. What do you think? Either way, I still count this as a win in the on-line dating sector and it has encouraged me to be a little more open minded when it comes to non traditional dating. Sure Mr.Shy turned out to be not so shy, but there are plenty of fish in the sea right? I cant be the only one out here on-line dating so please tell me about some of your encounters and tell me what you think about mine.

The Red Room

So I was nosing around on Facebook, as I tend to do from time to time, and I came across this article….The article is about women…and our periods. I’m not going to post the entire article, but feel free to click the link and read it for yourself. The premise of the story is that a woman posted a picture of some…breakthrough bleeding, and the social networking site took it down. Naturally, she was pissed. She felt it was insulting that they considered something that happens to women every 28 days “obscene”. And even as I looked at the accompanying photos, I have to admit that I felt slightly uncomfortable. I have always struggled with my period. In high school it was very heavy and as I got older my cramps got progressively worse. I have been on breakthrough alert since I was 13. I think every woman is on breakthrough alert when her period is on. Especially at night. Nothing is worse than staying the night with your boyfriend when your period is on. I mean I wont even visit a guy at home when my period is on. I used to try to hide my sanitary napkins while shopping in stores, and I wouldn’t dare go to a register if there was a male checking me out. A few years ago I decided that I was going to stop hiding the fact that I had a period. I was delivert from the shame of being a woman. Hell, if I didn’t have a period, how would I even have breasts? That was nothing to be ashamed of. I decided that I was PROUD to be a woman. F**k it. So why was I so uncomfortable with the image in the post? Why did I feel like I was looking at something I shouldn’t have been? Is it because the period is private? Is it because if it was me in the picture I would have been mortified that it was on social media? Or is it because our misogynistic society has made us so ashamed of our bodies that I actually feel uncomfortable about something that I have been dealing with regularly for the past 15 years of my life? Hmmm… with all of the feminist movements going on in our world today its easy to believe that my discomfort was soley the result of period shaming from men who have never had  the pleasure of having blood flow from their bodies  for reasons other than an open wound. The author of the article expressed this viewpoint aggressively. For me however, Its is a mix of all three. If someone posted a picture of me in that situation I would be hard pressed not to strangle them. Secondly my period is private, I definitely don’t go around announcing when its on. And thirdly I would be mortified. I feel uncomfortable talking about my period because I was taught from an early age that it is something that I have to hide and camoflage. That part of being a woman means that I have to bear this unsavory ritual every month in silence with enough self respect to make sure that no one knows that it happens to me. Why? Because we live in a misogynistic society that has so many discrepancies in gender specific body image that having a period is considered a flaw and break through bleeding is considered a travesty. But men love the breast that come with the period. So we all just don’t talk about it. Another one of those things that make you go hmmm. What do you think? How comfortable are you with the P?

image

http://www.scoopwhoop.com/news/insta-photo/

The post 👆👆👆

Why I’m Done With Certain Social Sites This Year

I’m always on a rag about how much I hate that people don’t talk anymore. I am a traditional conversationalist. I love the sound of my own voice. My mind is always a mile a minute. I always have a million questions and I want to know what people think and feel on a deeper level. So every time I heard about a new social networking tool I was all over it, thinking this is a great way to get to know people. Now almost 10 years later (and its hard to believe I’ve invested 10 years doing ANYTHING) I’m done. Its so oversaturated, and to me its overshadowed everything intimate and personal. And what it hasn’t overshadowed, its overexposed. I do enjoy looking at pictures and chatting or what not, but I’d rather hear a voice or see a person in actual person. I love the fact that these sites can bring people who are far away closer together, but if you live 15 minutes away and the only time I ever see you or talk to you is through comments on Instagram, that’s not real. It also burns me when I’m with someone in person and they are on their phone the whole time. Texting I can stand, but you’re really going to waste my time looking at pictures of people you probably don’t even know, or people you see everyday? Yeah, no, I don’t want to do that to anyone. Furthermore, it seems like everyone on Instagram is always fighting for more followers, for better pictures, talking about how great they look, or how awesome their food is, or how awesome they are. If not that they are on Twitter talking randomly, or about someone, or something that really has nothing to do with them. It doesn’t seem real.  That combined with the quotes and posts. Its almost like it forces you to try to keep up, to feel like you’re not doing enough. That everyone’s highlight reel is how life should be and if you’re not doing certain things, or if people are not following you or liking you then  you are somehow failing at life. Also when you open yourself up to social media, you are opening yourself up to be judged by people you don’t even know. You are giving people so much information about yourself. Where you live, where you work, the places you frequent. Even your personal life. Quotes about breakups, after sex selfies, that time you got so drunk and posted you ex’s nude pics……right.  I need a break. I want to see the world, and the people in it, with my own eyes and touch with my own hands. Social networking sites are not a place where you get to see a lot of real people. Especially not at my age. I want to do new things, and have new experiences in real life and time, I want to share meet and share things in life, not through the internet, but interpersonally. Over time I have slowly come to these conclusions. I’ve found that I can have a social media presence without being consumed with it. And I like it better now that I’m not. I got rid of my twitter, I never check Facebook and I deleted Instagram from my phone today. I don’t really feel any different, but I know that over the next 8 months I know that I will see and experience more with those distractions out of the way.  The tone of this entry, as I read back over it, gives the vibe that I have had a bad experience with social networking. The truth is that I’ve had a great experience. I’ve shared my life, I’ve shared in the lives of others. I’ve reconnected with old friends, Connected with new ones….but I’ve just reached a point where its become more of a distraction than an enjoyment for me.

New Year, New Perspective 🎉🎊

Every year I get so hyped up about New Years. I think that a new year is a great example of a clean slate. Sure December 31st to January 1st is just another night to day, but seeing that new blank calendar just gets me excited. I always make all these resolutions, and get geared up to make big changes. But this year I have a new perspective. My co worker asked me on NYE if I’d had a good year, and when I thought about it I had to say yes. Thinking more about it I realized that I’d had my head down working so hard that I didn’t realize just how good of a year I had. I got a new job, a new car, a promotion, moved to a new city. I realized that throughout the year I had been so wrapped up on the people I had lost, the money I wasn’t making, and the goals I hadn’t accomplished that I wasn’t appreciating all that I had accomplished. In the moments marking my accomplishments I didn’t even stop to enjoy them. I haven’t been enjoying my life. I haven’t been relishing the small moments that made such a difference. The craziest thing about it though is that I didn’t plan for anything to work out the way it did. Sure I knew I needed a new car, and I wanted a new job. I made an action plan and those things happened, I worked very hard a work and earned my promotion. I moved to be closer to work. But on December 31st 2012 I didn’t make these things my resolutions. They happened slowly, over time, and brought me to where I am today. So for this New Year my resolution is to take every opportunity that is offered to me. To enjoy life and to do things at a pace that is comfortable. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Life can’t be lived in a year. A new year is a chance for a new beginning but life will always play out the way it should. Just a nudge in the right direction is all we need to make our next year our best year.

20140105-041516.jpg

Photo: JustJared.com
http://www.justjared.com/2013/12/31/watch-times-square-ball-drop-live-stream-new-year-eve-2014/

Social Media: Judge and Jury?

Over the past few days I have been reading my usual blogs and there is a story that’s coming across all of them. It’s about a PR exec who tweeted a very insensitive tweet referencing her trip to South Africa. Apparently millions of Twitter users totally blanked on her and she has lost her job. Sad story. I don’t know what she was thinking. Being a public relations professional you would think that she would know better than to say something so offensive on the WORLD WIDE WEB, but I digress. Over the past year or so there have been other incidents like this one. Incidents where people have done or said something that led to job loss and/or public outrage. Paula Deen was caught using racial slurs, Rick Ross (Ricky Rozay??) was slammed for lyrics, Lil Wayne was also called out for offensive lyrics. Now I remember back in the day, people were mad at Slim Shady for offensive lyrics. People were in the streets protesting, at concerts protesting, the whole shebang. But I don’t remember the situation being as serious as the ones I mentioned earlier. Sure there was some news coverage. Web stories. But he went on to sell millions of records, he continued making offensive records, sold out shows performing them, and I’m sure his bank account never felt the impact of his haters feelings. These days though, if people say anything off the wall, they are going DOWN. That being said, I have to wonder if the internet is to blame. It has unquestionably enhanced our lives in more ways than I can name. I personally owe my degree to Google and I am proud to say that I have acquired a ridiculous amount of useless information from Wikipedia. But the best thing about the internet is that it gives us little people a voice. The internet provides us platform to get our message out, to share our opinion with people we otherwise wouldn’t be able to reach. Especially on social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram–everyone is on at least one of them. Companies use these sites to reach us, and conversely, we use it to reach them. Such as the case with Rick Ross, people hit the keyboard so hard that he lost his contract with Reebok. I ask, if this was 10 years ago would that have even happened? In the song he spoke on something that happens all the time. I personally didn’t think anything of it. Just another rap lyric in another rap song. I’m sure a lot of people feel the same way I do. A lot of people don’t, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But In a country where free speech is a law, should people be penalized because of what they say? Is social media the new morality police? Of course there are some things that should not be said in general, but have we reached a point where we must consider the feelings of every single person IN THE WORLD before we say anything? Are vegans going to start a change.org petition against ‘why the chicken crossed the road’ jokes? Are we not entitled to an opinion because it may offend someone else? Now that we all have the ability to share our thoughts with the world, are we held to a higher standard in what we say? Or are people just a little too sensitive to the opinions and thoughts of others??

Beyonće 💽

So I’m sitting at the bar with 2 of my friends last week, and there is a picture of Beyonće on the wall. Being the fan I am, I spark up a convo about all the exposure she’s had this year and how ready I am for the new album. I wake up the next day and BOOM there’s an album. My lucky day. So I got the physical CD yesterday and I love it. Not just because I’m a fan, but because I genuinely like it. Although its definitely sexier than any other album she has released, the subject matter is so raw and uninhibited, it feels passionate and true. Her candor and brashness is surprising, and you can tell she is definitely a “Grown Woman” now. I love how she speaks on her relationship. Sex in the car, feeling jealous, picking your battles. I also like how she lets her cocky side show. I think this is the closest we have come to seeing a full spectrum of her as a person. On her past albums she has been more reserved about her relationship, coy in her references to sex, and humble when speaking about her self. We all know Beyonće is beautiful, talented, humble, creative and hardworking. Now we know that she is closer to us real women than we may think. She gets jealous, she’s in love, she feels extra fly sometimes, she loves being a mom, and she sexes her man often and in unorthodox places. In addition to the subject matter, the producing on this album is superb, the features are fitting and the visual album is a great bonus. The visuals add a layer of depth to the music. To sum it up, this album exceeded my expectations and I recommend it to anyone likes R&B/Hip Hop music. What did you think?